To Endure or Not to Endure

Recently I went to a kink festival, a day of kinky workshops and ended up at a whip workshop. A workshop where the facilitator was demonstrating the art of whipping, the art of whipping another in full service to their heart, to opening their heart through being whipped, washing away what may block them from surrender. A volunteer stood in the center of the room and she demonstrated whipping them on their bare chest.

I have never had any desire to be whipped, yet watching the facilitator in her heart, crying as she whipped the volunteer standing bare chested in the center of the room, a voice said yes, I need to experience this, now, with this woman, I trust her.

She was offering another whip workshop later in the day. I shared with a friend that I was I was feeling desire to volunteer in the next workshop, yet didn’t want to be marked.

I showed up terrified. I put up my hand as soon as she asked for a volunteer. I walked into the center bare chested, standing in front of her and everyone else. She began by asking me about my edges. I responded, it’s all edgy and I’m terrified. I have never been whipped or had desire to be whipped yet I was here following my yes. I knew I didn’t want to be marked, yet didn’t say so as I wanted to surrender completely to the moment. I wanted the full experience…..
She began to move the whip at me, softly touching my chest, then with more force, the whip stinging my chest, my breasts. I know I open with softness. I wanted her to soften, she didn’t, I continued to stand exploring myself in openness to this experience yet then realized it felt more like enduring pain, hmmm, no, I will not endure any more. I have endured enough pain sexually. Now in this moment I can step out and so I did. I stepped back. I chose what I needed, to stop now. I chose to step in and I chose to step out. I went and sat with my support person, who held me as I cried, and integrated this experience. I remembered that surrendering or the full experience is not blindly trusting that someone will know what I need. Surrendering is voicing my needs and then letting go in trust that my needs will be honoured. I choose to not endure. I invite you to know you also have choice to not endure. You also can ask for your needs.