I grew up on the coast of British Columbia, with nature as my lover and my teacher. Nature, always present and there for me, where I felt safe and held. My love of nature infuses how I see the world and everything I do.
At a young age I developed a core belief to never depend on others. Don’t be vulnerable, vulnerable is weakness, weakness is not okay. Strength is what is valued and acceptable. This has created conflict and confusion for most of my life as my deepest longing was to be vulnerable. It was also my deepest fear.
At 18, I started studying Jin Shin Do Acupressure. I remember feeling very awkward as everyone hugged each other… until I discovered it felt really good. I liked this beautiful nonsexual intimacy in a group of loving supportive caring people. I was creating a new way of being in the world. I began exploring the depths of my being and healing my childhood wounds. I became passionate about connecting people to their heart, to experience joy, bliss and love.
Yet as I dived ever deeper, I still felt shame and disconnected sexually. It was a conundrum. I felt strong and empowered in all aspects of my life except when it came to sex where I felt like I was a failure and fucked up.
I had a deep fear of expressing sexual pleasure and feeling sexual pleasure. I held myself back, afraid of not being enough or of being too much, both of which are toxic. I focused on experiencing pleasure by doing “strong” activities like mountain biking, ski touring, rock climbing, kayaking and paddle boarding. These were and are blissful, heart opening, deeply connecting activities where I felt safe to show and express pleasure with my clothes on.
For most of my life, I didn’t understand where this deep fear of expressing pleasure came from. I do now. I had internalized my previous stepfather’s belief that pleasure is weak. This realization began the process of allowing me to fully release his belief and choose a new belief: I celebrate and choose pleasure.
It is incredibly powerful to be vulnerable, to be seen and to allow pleasure. I now allow myself to feel sexual pleasure and I celebrate all forms of pleasure. I celebrate that I can feel pleasure doing strong physical activities and that I can feel pleasure in full surrender with another. I celebrate that I no longer feel shame around sexual pleasure and vulnerability.
And I know that I am normal. We are all unique and we are all normal! I celebrate that I no longer attract relationships that reinforce shame around expressing vulnerability and pleasure. I celebrate pleasure fully in me and in you.
As I continued my sexual journey, I became aware that when I thought I was connecting and present while having sex, I was actually just witnessing. I was detached from my body. Being a very active person I thought I was always present in my body. Sexually, I very much was not present.
I understand now that I first left my body when I initially had sex at 14. When I was raped at 16, I became further detached. Leaving the body is a safety mechanism. A survival mechanism.
The part of me that dissociated during my first sexual experiences to keep me safe kept me from being present, and continued to keep me safe through dissociation until this year, when I was able to move through those past experiences with love, to unwind the trauma and welcome myself home, knowing I am now safe to be fully in my body and to feel.
After witnessing myself having sex my entire life. I now know how to truly feel safe in my body, to open sexually with another, to experience sexual pleasure in my body, to feel my pussy without automatically spiritually bypassing physical pleasure or feeling nothing at all. I was disconnected from her, not knowing how to feel safe. I pushed her away trying to find safety. With love, joy and awareness I have welcomed myself home. Which is absolutely fucking amazing!!!! I want you to, to experience safety in your body and mind where you feel pleasure, love and joy.
It is with joy that I celebrate being here for you, with an incredible golden tool box full of tools for transformation, embodiment, pleasure, deep healing, orgasm, and exploration of all your desires, so you may truly live the life you wish to live.
Sex, Love and Relationship Coach, Sacred Feminine Instructor, Master of Medical Qigong